Close Your Eyes and Dream Again

Well, this is it.  I am finally turning over a new leaf.  Today is my day of change.  The day that I finally made the decision that I was going to move forward in reaching my dreams.  So it starts with this.  I have said I wanted to journal for so long and I'm finally doing what I said I "wanted" to do.  I am finally starting my journaling.  Techincally this is called blogging, but it's my blog and I want to see it as journaling.  When I hear "journal" I think notebook and pen but I think typing is a bit more time-freeing.  When I write, I start out with the intention of making it look so nice by using my best handwriting but then I can't write fast enough to keep up with my mind so it turns into chicken scratch.  Thankfully not literally as I don't have any nails and even if I did, I'd still use a pen. I just read that to my husband and giggled out loud.  Well, I thought it was cute.

So, my journaling.  Why have I not done something that I've heard is so beneficial?  What was I so afraid of?  If I say that I know journaling "works" (is good for me) but don't do it, then I don't truly have the revelation and I won't see it the benefits operating in my life.  But this happens all across the board for us.  What is the thing behind us not doing what we know is good for us?  Fear, maybe.  A fear that if I step out and try this thing that has worked for so many, that somehow it won't work for me.  Fear of failure.  Fear of the unknown.  That maybe I wouldn't "do" it right.  And who is setting the standard, anyway?  It's amazing what fear will do to stop us from moving forward.  Stop us from doing something that will take me out of my normal day to day and thrust me into something new, something potentially great.  And when we finally just do it, we see how the fear was like a deadbolt - locking us out of walking through the door to our dreams.

 

I guess I should start from the beginning...there's no right or wrong way to journal.  It's mine - I can do what i want with it.  So, basically right at the end of 2009, I started to feel an urgency.  Just a realization that I was getting older...that time was ticking by and that if I was going to do the things I said I've always wanted to do, then I'd better get started b/c otherwise I'd miss the chance.  I'd always thought about writing a book as a child.  I even started one - on discipline, from a child's perspective.  My parents were supportive but wihtout the right guidance I never finished.  So, with this urgency and the help of a good friend, I started on a journey toward greatness.  I know that there's the potential for greatness in each person - it's only a matter of developing it, working it, channeling it so that it comes out.  Anyway, I did start my book but again the lack of guidance or maybe my lack of real direction stopped things.  I'm sure the addition of another baby to the family was part of it, as well.  So, that little precious baby is now 6 months old and about a month ago I started feeling funny.  Not pregnant funny, or sick funny, but that funny that you just don't quite know how to pinpoint.  Something deep inside your soul that niggles at you but you don't know what it is, which only adds to the funny-ness.  Well, that urgency I felt almost one year earlier was now a deeper urgency.  I have just felt like time is zooming by.  I'm going to be 30 soon...my days are slipping by and with what to show for it?  Hours spent on Facebook or watching some show on TV or the laest chick flick, all of which adds not one ounce of value to my life.  I just felt like I was being sucked into wasting time...again.  But I was feeling like I needed direction.  Just a bit of guidance from someone who was living outside the mediocre realm.  Wow.  I wonder how many people out there are seeking someone who could give them just a little guidance.  Someone who can give them a little help to nudge them in the right direction.  Someone who can ask them those really good questions that helps them see what they haven't been able to on their own, to help them see what they are naturally good at and have a natural knack for and then show them what they could do with that gift.  There's got to be more people out there than just me.  I'm sure it's more like a pandemic.  I'm sure that at the root of so many people's lack of drive and frustration is the fact that they just don't know what they're meant to do.  Like there's something out there...something more...something potentially great that they just can't quite put their finger on.  And thinking about it becomes scary or simply adds to the frustration so it's thought best to be left alone.  Well, I was needing someone to help point me in the right direction with a nice little push to get me rolling.  Anyway, I just trusted that God would show me and open up doors to get me to hear what I needed to hear that would trigger the change.  Sure enough, I went to an amazing women's event which I'd venture to say was the best one I'd ever attended.  One that I got something helpful out of.  Something that would change me forever.  At the end of the event, I still wasn't exactly sure what my place was but I knew that it was a marked day.  And a time I'd remember as the day that things shifted in my life and where I started to truly pursue my dreams.  I went to see the same speaker at another church that same weekend.  This time I'm glad I was on Facebook b/c that's how I found out she would be preaching in town.  I rallied up the chicks and rushed to get them fed and ready and out the door.  I was so hungry to hear more information that would not only inpsire me but that would get me going on my journey.  It's one of the pushes I needed...I knew I'd need more, but it was a step in the right direction.  After an amazing message, I came home.  Words, pictures, ideas...they just started swirling in my head and I just got more and more excited b/c I was allowing myself to dream.  For so long, up to that poing, I'd stopped myself from dreaming...and why?  Fear.  I'd close my eyes and picture something so great that I'd open my eyes to stop it b/c of fear.  I didn't think I could ever do something like that.  I didn't know if it was God or just me conjuring up those ideas...so I wouldn't allow myself to go there...but finally, I thought, "no more!"  I'm going to let my imaginatin run wild.  I started writing ideas down.  Questions started coming up inside of me and the answers revealed more possibilities.  I was so excited I called my husband.  I told him, "Babe, you've got a new wife!"  Seriously though, I'd felt like I'd finlly gotten out of a hump and that I finally could see more clearly and I could identify what it was that I wanted to do...and boy was it big - bigger than me, impossible in my own strength,  but not impossible for my great God.  So, journaling is the first thing that I'm putting in place in my life.  Just one small victory - it goes a long way.  So, here's to this day.  This is the time that I'll always remember as the day my life changed and I was alive again.  Ready to start my journey that would lead to me making my Jesus mark on this earth.